Big Areolas are Better!

056. I suck at shuffling cards.

I’m a beast of a spades player. But I very rarely play because I hate to admit that I suck at shuffling cards. I usually try to make up an excuse when it’s my turn to shuffle i.e. “I’ma run to the bathroom real quick. Let my partner shuffle.” Or I try to keep the attention off me and on other things so people don’t notice.

People have tried to teach me but I’m just not good at it.

055. I really don’t care for people who litter.

It’s not even on some tree-hugger, save-mother-Earth type shit. I just think it’s lazy. Like I understand if it’s like a receipt or some scrap of paper. That’s understandable. That’s small. Barely noticeable in the grand scheme of things. But when you throw like a whole McDonalds bag full of shit out a car window just because you don’t want to wait until you get home to throw it away, that rubs me the wrong way.

054. I’m an open book.

You just have to ask the right questions. I don’t volunteer information that I don’t feel comfortable sharing but if you ask me something specific, I’m likely to tell you. I’m more interested in answering questions about myself than just simply talking about myself.

053. I have never eaten asparagus.

I keep saying I’m going to try them. But I never do. I don’t even know how to prepare them. I should probably let someone else introduce me to it first. But…

Yeah. Never had it.

052. I don’t like sprinkles.

And keep that cherry while you’re at it. They have no business being near my bowl of ice cream.

051. I love new socks and underwear.

And it’s not just because I hate doing laundry. New socks and underwear just feel better. After those first couple washes, they’re just not the same. I especially hate when I find some socks randomly (like these DRI-F.I.T. jawns I got the other day) that I really like but there’s only like two pairs of them in the store because I like to stock up on new socks if at all possible.

And I don’t think there’s anything better than new underwear. There was a point, I was buying a new pack every couple weeks just because. Matter of fact, I need to go get some new boxer briefs some time this weekend.

050. I’ve only been to one wedding in my entire life.

And it was a very small, non-traditional wedding. My cousins got married at my aunt’s church in front of about fifteen people. We ate, cracked a bunch of jokes (most of which shouldn’t be told inside of a church) and at the end, watched my cousin get married to her long time boyfriend. It was dope.

But that’s my only experience with weddings besides what I see on television/internet. Despite my nonchalance with marriage, I actually like weddings. They always look kinda fun (not just because you get drunk and take advantage of all the women who seem to lose all their inhibitions at seeing their loved one get married) and would give me an excuse to get all cleaned up and smelling good.

Maybe I’ll finally make it to another one this year. I hear one of my cousins is supposed to get married. I just hope I can get dibs on that bachelor party too.

049. If you talk to me about another guy, I’m going to assume you just want to be friends.

People keep trying to convince me that this isn’t the case but I don’t see how you can have feelings for me if you’re pouring your heart out about your feelings for some other dude. Sure, I may give great advice but I still have a penis.

048. People who look at race as the cause of all their problems irrevocably annoy the pure shit out of me.

I really can’t stand people who do nothing to change their circumstances but complain and blame others. However, one step below them are the people who say that their race is the reason they never have or will be shit.

You really think you being black is why you didn’t get that job? You don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that your resume looks terrible, you came to the interview unkempt and talking loud nor that you are completely unqualified for the job?

You really think that? Systemic racism and ignorance are in vast abundance in this country but that’s not what that is my dude. You didn’t get the job because it wasn’t yours to have. Don’t pull the race card because you’re losing an argument. Don’t pull the race card because you’re too inept or too lazy to come up with a logical explanation for why something happened.

You didn’t get pulled over because you’re black. You got pulled over because you were swerving through traffic doing 92 in a 55, asshole.

047. I’m not big on desserts.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a good cheesecake or some brownies every so often. However, I’m not one of those people who have to have dessert after dinner. That’s whether it’s a special occasion or not. If we go out to eat, my family will devour the sweets afterwards.

I’m on the sideline like “Whatever. None for me, thanks.”

046. I don’t like septum piercings.

I’m usually generally accepting of piercings for the most part. I certainly don’t think they look good on everyone but almost every time, I’ve seen someone pull off a piercing that I thought was unflattering. 

However, the septum piercing does not fall into this category. I don’t know what it is but they just don’t do it for me. I just feel like they 100% of the time, they ruin a perfectly acceptable face. I just don’t get the trend these days.

045. My first crush was on Tisha Campbell.

God I loved that woman. Shit, I still do. Gina Waters will always be the dopest girlfriend* to me. That episode when she brought that bag with the Vaseline and boxing shoes to fight Ms. Trinidad? Sexiest thing ever. Not that I condone that sort of thing. I’m just sayin’.

*Notice I said “girlfriend.” The dopest wife title will always and forever be held by Claire Huxtable.

044. I plan to be fully prepared for a zombie attack by fall of 2012.

This includes access to various guns and melee weapons, non-perishable food items, spare sets of comfortable clothing and running shoes.

I’ve never been more serious in my life.

043. I hate rejecting people.

Don’t tell me you have a crush on me. I beg of you. I cannot turn people down. If I’m in a relationship, I can say “well, I’m in a relationship” but that’s really the only thing I have.

If I’m single and you say you like me, I have no defense for that shit. I can tell you “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” but I can’t just straight out tell you no. Which leaves the door open. Which is why I get into so many terrible situations.

042. I once got mad at this girl in elementary school and put gum in her hair.

She had to get her hair cut because they couldn’t get any of it out. And I laughed my ass off about it for a week. I feel marginally worse about it now.